As we all know, the Party of the Woke has changed Columbus Day to Indigenous People’s Day to show their disapproval of America’s rich and vibrant history. You might think that this was a one-and-done deal, but I have in my hands a list of new woke holidays that will soon replace our more traditional holidays. They will now be cancelled. Here they are:
10. Instead of President’s Day, we will now celebrate First Ladies Day. There shall be no more celebrating of Dead White Men.
9. Instead of St. Valentine’s Day, we will now celebrate Singles Day, because romance is a weapon of the patriarchy meant to keep women in chains.
8. Instead of St. Patrick’s Day, we will now celebrate Green Earth Day. The woke like green but they don’t like ethnic people, especially the Irish.
7. Instead of New Year’s Day, which was created by the Catholic Church as part of the Gregorian Calendar, we will now celebrate Day One, which is much more scientific, in keeping with the Science-loving woke people.
6. Instead of Independence Day, we will now celebrate Woke Day, a day when we all celebrate our wokeness and acknowledge our sins and the sins of all of our ancestors, especially the case for working-class white people.
5. Instead of Memorial Day, we will now celebrate American Oppression Day, where we spend time learning about how white Americans oppressed people around the globe, especially Asians, Africans, Spanish-speakers, and Pacific Islanders.
4. Instead of Labor Day, we will celebrate Labor Day. Because Labor unions are part of the woke coalition.
3. Instead of Thanksgiving, we will celebrate Pocahontas Day, a celebration of Americans Indians saving the Pilgrims. A special holiday for a certain Massachusetts Senator.
2. Instead of Christmas, we will celebrate Barack Obama Day, because most of the woke truly believe that Obama was the second coming of Jesus.
And finally, the number one holiday change recommended by the party of the woke. Instead of Halloween, which the woke believe is too negative to those who believe in the Occult, we will now celebrate Wiccan Celebration Day, which will properly celebrate those witches and warlocks who were once persecuted by the Puritans in Salem and in other locations.